She writes

Last week, our family celebrate mum's birthday. It was my idea since we never celebrate one. We didn't really have a plan on surprising her or whatever, it's just a simple celebration. A cake and just four of us.

Before buying the cake, I ask her what's her fav cake, to my surprise she said "ice cream cake". I never had thought ibu would love that since we never celebrate her birthday but still, it's fine. Me,abah and Ammar went off to KB Mall to buy the ice cream cake from Baskin Robbins.

We reach home at night, and abah just said to me that we don't have to plan any surprise because he's hungry -_-. So I just showed the cake to her, we take photos and just eat (lol we didn't even sing or whatever the tradition is).

At that time, I don't really know why but there's like a grateful feeling. I don't know how to describe but yeah. I went to boarding school since I'm 13 and since then it's been 7 years since I stayed at home for a really long time.

It's been quite a while since we celebrate anything together. Last year, I see the pictures of my brother's birthday celebration and tbh I feel a bit jealous of it since I'm always missing out the fun due to work or whatever it is.

It is probably the reason why Allah makes me stay at home for quite some times. And I somehow am grateful for this situation. I guess I have to make it worth of every situation. And be thankful that I have my family to spend my time with.

To ibu,

I just wanna say I love you. I love you,ibu. Thank you, thank you for everything :). And tbh you're the strongest person I know. Despite whatever is happening, you are stronger than anyone I know.

Not everyone knows what did ibu struggle with. I only know her health condition when I'm 12. Before that, it's always been a question to me as to why Ibu always sleep, tired and seems lack of energy. And ibu's hug is the warmest. Ever since I feel that grateful feeling, I make sure to hug her every day. Although she claims that I'm being clingy (lol) but I don't mind, I love her hug. And her hug is the warmest. As I'm writing this, I had tears in my eyes and I don't know why.

I love you ibu. thank you for everything. thank you ibu :)

x
Han

Hi and Assalamualaikum guys....wow!
Lol yeah, that's my first word for my title :P. Still can't believe I'm 21 (unofficially)

I start writing when I'm 19 and stop for more than a year. Now.... here I am? lol I don't even know why I'm here (I just wanted to :P)

So I did graduate, being jobless for 8 months and still have no clue on what to do in my life.

Tbh, I thought I figure everything out, but funnily you don't. I didn't get the job that I wanted, now stuck at home with my brother,ibu and abah which is not a bad thing tbh.

During my first month after the internship, I don't have damn care about whatever I wanna do. I mean, my mental health was the worst at that time. I really hate everything, about to sell my camera and such. But hey, I didn't sell the camera so (phew)

The second to the fifth month, I get a bit anxious and constantly worrying about jobs. I mean hey, you've been jobless for soo long, what the heck did u do for ur life Han? That's what I'm thinking about myself. I mean yeah, I did send the job resume but all of them were being rejected, I feel a constant feeling of "WTH are u Han?" fully because at least I see my friend are advancing in their career and life and I'm still stuck. Back to square one.

On November, I had a chance to travel alone. Oh well, it's only inside the country but still a huge achievement for me. I feel better, I didn't try to push myself as the previous. I try to be better, oh well I still am trying.

So December has long gone and now we're back to January. Tbh I didn't even know what to expect, I somehow feel like nothing. I FEEL LIKE I AM REALLY NOTHING.

Stuck at home, cooking, sometimes help ibu to help my brother. Although ibu somehow feelings grateful I'm at home but.... I don't know.

I     don't      know


I feel I probably should continue writing. And I miss having a passion for vlog. I thought about making a channel about myself. Oh, at least I want to be focus and consistent on both of this and spend my time being here. I hope I'll be able to do this. And I guess since I'm a jobless bum, I'll write almost everyday lol. I'll try.

Btw the title somehow feels unmatched with the content. The title should be "How my 2019 in one long hella post" but hey, whatever floats your boat, Han.

and a text for my 21 years old me,

Jaga diri...K :)

x
Han