She writes

Hi and Assalamualaikum,
To be frank,yesterday wasn't the day I was looking forward to. In fact, I've got a mixed feelings about it so I guess maybe to let go of this feeling is to just pour it all out here .

Yesterday, me and my friend went somewhere for a sleep ( yes,somewhere ) and I  bring the tripod with me because I've got a class today. The journey took almost 1 hour from Bukit Jalil to our place. And when we arrived, I'm pretty much shocked to see that a tripod equipment ( the camera handler *I call it that*) was missing. I search frantically and I said to her that I'll be going to Bukit Jalil back to grab the handler .

It was hectic since it was an office hour,to make things worst is I forgot to bring my home key and my friend had to ride another train to give the key. In the end, I lost the handler and I need the tripod ASAP .Like literally ASAP.

But it was the eve of independence day, most of the camera shop are closed so what's the other option beside than idk,going to the class with only a camera in my bag and not with the tripod or just ditch the class then. I was thinking to do either one of them. I was tired, helpless and feel idk, I AM SUCK. Yeah that's what I'm feeling right now. I thought if only I didn't messed this up, IF ONLY.IF ONLY.IF ONLY . Those are the words that keep lingering in my mind. I tried not to shed a tear in front of my friend. I'm not the one who'll be frantically rampaged about those stuff. I tried to solve things calmly,at least.

I cried to The Almighty, how I feel incredibly tired. How I feel all of my effort are useless. How Idk,maybe those feeling were mixed up inside my head and right now I just want to escape from those feeling. I don't know man,maybe I just want to ... cry on someone's shoulder. Probably.

This morning, I woke up a bit late and yea I did my morning walk,even though I did want to ditch the class, idk why I didn't. In the end,I did went to the class and surprisingly there's no SUNRISE this morning. It was all cloudy .

I wonder why. It supposed to be sunny actually (based on the weather) but entahla. At that moment, I did feel that God want to console me. Probably because I'll be crying to see one but I ain't capable of capturing em. Probably,who knows.

Somehow, after all those tribulations that I'm going through, I can't help but feeling tired. Extremely TIRED. But I don't feel the satisfaction at all. Probably because I can't help but feeling that I am suck. I'm probably am.

But somehow, I just hope that I'll appreciate myself more. For being a tough being,for not giving up on this . For be able to stay calm. I hope I don't push myself bad enough. Whatever you do,just keep going. You may not be able to do things as you please but you're not bad enough, you are quite good. You'll be good. You just had to had a guts not to push hard on yourself. Please don't

Anyway, was yesterday's adventure,was it worth? IDK Man, I don't feel any sense of satisfaction right now. Nothing comes through my mind. I just hope that HE'll forgive me, for pushing myself too hard and also for asking Him too many questions. I just hope He does.

Anyway, that's it for today. Happy independence day. Celebrate it with modesty.

HanHanan
probably will be strolling along KL . Now who's with me?

Heyyyy
Okay I've been very very emm tak ikut schedule. Pardon me mann,and sorry for neglecting this blog for awhile after a promise had been made. Yes right now I'm still struggling to manage my time and so on,phewww.

Right now,as I'm writing something for you, my flight will be depart about 3 hours left. This maybe my last flight as a student. I manage to ride the flight is because of my dad, if it's not for him I'd probably ride the bus or even worst,train.

Well,riding both of them would be quite adventurous and I actually kinda digging that but yea, abah's been protective towards me  till the end.It's probably because I'm his only daughter he's gonna spoil and yea, because of Ammar's incident. Well I'll talk about that later .

My heart feels kinda heavy nowadays. Idk why but somehow,it does. I feel a bit sad,probably because I'll be 20 soon and I'm not gonna get younger,my parent too but hmm why does it feels kinda empty huh?

I'll be interning soon and yea,probably work insyaAllah if He permits. I'm actually thinking about going to a uni for a degree but hmm, idk if I've got the shot or yea I'll be chosen. Well that's again for another topic lol.

Today's seems mellow than usual. Maybe it's only me but yeah that's how I feel nowadays. Unmotivated is also a yes. I just feel somehow I want to fly high and find myself among those clouds,beach and somewhere I can just feelin myself for awhile.

In my real life, it's a bit hectic and rushing. We all move according to our life very fast,well next week I'm gonna have a presentation and next, I'll be interning somewhere. Pheww, I really need to catch my breath sometimes.

Boarding my last flight, I've been thinking a lot of things. Like getting married,or even moving out of country and such. How those thing would impact my dad. How this last flight would make him feel? I can't help but hoping the best will come for both of us. And in our family.

We'll all will be experiencing our first and last. And somehow I can't help but feel a tad sad for this one.Probably because Idk how things would change,personally I don't. It's not like I'm afraid or something but I'm not feelin confident either with myself. Idk why.

InsyaAllah, I hope He'll ease me . He'll ease me. He'll ease me. You'll ease me ya Rabb. InsyaAllah

 Nowadays, a lot of my reasons for doing something is " Just because". When people ask me why,that's when I can't say more because I didn't even know why the heck I'm doing it.

For instance, last sunday I went to volunteered for Our True Color,despite that the journey took me 2 hours, despite that I'm having a lot of works, despite that I'm damn lazy at that moment, despite that I am tired because before that, I had to interviewed some awesome person . Despite all those reasons.

My heart still persuade me to go, I still wear my shoes while actually I'm really sleepy. And it cost me more than MYR 10 to go,but .... entahla.

Somehow,the more older we are I see that we tend to find reason in whatever we do. And somehow,we'll decline in doing things that doesn't give us benefit to. We tend to find thing that we will get what we give.

In doing so,we feel less joy,and more on finding profit to ourselves. We feel that everything requires money, having a lot of cables and stuff. We see the world as a place to gain profit and everything else is just a gamble for us. All or nothing.

If you're feeling so, I guess you have to start finding yourself all over again. You had to start all over again, by not thinking why you should do all this stuff. By doing things just because you can,sometimes just because is enough.

You don't have to find some concrete or definite answer to do all those things. Just let your heart take you,and your steps will follow your heart. You just had to do it,just because.

Just because you can

Then that's all that matters.

I hope that we'll be able to throw away the reasons ,the benefit or profit from doing such things.

And start with "Just because".

We don't have to find a lot of reasons to do something.
Because sometimes,all it takes was a heart to lead,and a step to follow

and you'll be good in your own way ( with His permission,insyaAllah )

and may our day be good,just because :)

hanhanan
just because,entahlaa ( my usual answer nowadays)

Okay time for #fridaywriteday (sesuka je nama gitu ) ,and I'm sorry for neglecting this blog for tuesday,so to make it up I'll write as loooong as possible (ehyeke) ,well like it or not I'm just gonna write